Pretending

Nov. 18th, 2015 08:35 am
[identity profile] browneyedmami.livejournal.com posting in [community profile] bem_fiction
Title: Pretending
Author: browneyedmami
Fandom: Glee
Characters/Pairings: Quinn, Finn/Quinn
Genre: Angst
Summary: Quinn reflects on who she is, and how she really feels.


Love is such a strong word. I don’t know if I can say I’ve ever truly felt that strong of emotion for someone in my life so far. I tell Finn I love him and he says he loves me, but we both know we’re lying to each other. He’s still hopelessly pining for Rachel, and I am just confused between my feelings for Sam and lingering affection for Puck. But rather than deal with the issues head on, it’s easier to lie, easier to pretend.

Finn is a nice guy, and at one point I really wanted to be with him on the edge of being in love with him, but I never was, and am not sure I ever will be. If I loved him, I would have never cheated with Puck, wouldn’t have lied to him for so long. As he looks over at Rachel in glee, his hand still entwined with mine, I secretly still a glance at Sam. Our hold on each other slackens and we both know being with each other isn’t where we belong. But we continue to live out the lie, and I continue trying to make my way back up to the top in popularity because it’s the only way I feel safe. It seems shallow of me, but I don’t know how to be anything else. Being a bitch isn’t me, never was, but I played the part so I could be wanted, looked highly upon. Will it be worth it later in life? Probably not.

Maybe one day I’ll be comfortable enough to just be me, not the blonde, bitchy cheerleader who dates the quarterback. But for now, I will content myself settling for all of this, settling for the lie until I feel safe enough to stop pretending.
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